I think.. everythings spinning out of control again.. like all at once. Like things always have a tendency to do. Everything happens at once just to make it extra difficult because god obviously hates us all.

But anyways, what i was going to tell u is I'm a queer little fucker. No really, i really fucked up this time. If you want some advice, dont get drunk. I mean, EVER. No really, its stupid. Being drunk makes u have sex with people u dont want to have sex with. And people you shouldnt have sex with because they are your *BEST FRIENDS* and now, they are that person u had sex with that one night u both did that stupid thing.

And being bulimic makes your esophagus lining wear down until you are forced to tell someone or go to a doctor. Or until your mom hears you. Until it somehow leaks out that "ashleys dying to be skinny". Then all thats left to do is break down crying over coffee while your mom gives you speeches on how "its going to be ok because health insurance covers disorders like this"

So basically, everything i do to be happy ends up making me miserable. So here I fucking am.. a little tramp who has really, seriously, fucked everything up. permanently this time

And i thought it would make things easier to tell people, but theres not anyone to call. And theres not anyone to write to, and i'm not going to complain about the fact no one cares, because no one should care. Except for ME.

Yeah so basically, I'm leaving xanga, I'm leaving oregon, or at least portland. I have to go fix myself. It had to happen sooner or later.. but I dont really fucking want any of this.. even thought i know i need it..

I figure that, basically, You have to love yourself before other people love you. I feel lame for typing that. But maybe its true. Maybe just a little

goodbye xanga

-THE END-

really. im gone.

its over.

you dont have to go home, but you cant stay here.

-EL FIN-

-----------ashley-----------------